Dear Santa,
I’m hoping this letter finds you well. As you know, Christmas is coming up soon and I….
Ok, the parents aren’t watching. Let’s not beat around the bush, eh? I want the things on my list underneath that tree by Christmas morning or there’s going to be hell to pay.
Last year, was okay. Just okay. What the hell is wrong with you Fat-Man! I know, I told you specifically what I wanted, and how much of it did I get? Not even half! What does that say to you, hm?
Anyway, this year, my list consists of two major things and this is what they are: Music and Gorillaz merchandise.
Music includes: Seether, Gorillaz, KoRn, Evanescence, Linkin Park, My Chemical Romance, Fall Out Boy, Relient k, Papa Roach, Panic! At the Disco, and anything else that’s on my iPod.
Gorillaz merchandise speaks for itself, but I’m sure you’re going to need me to say it anyway, huh? I want Rise of the Ogre, Any DVDs they have, and every CD you can find (which will be all of them, won’t it?).
Pretty much anything else I’ll let slide if you can’t get it. I’m feeling nice this year, and I think my parents are starting to get suspicious about why I’m getting everything on my list.
But there is one more thing I want more than anything, and that’s a new iPod. Mine is 1st generation and is slowly turning into shit. I want the new nano. Y’know, the one that I can watch videos on? Yeah, I’m getting that one. Black or red, whichever one you can get your fat fingers on first.
Well, you know the rest. The presents are under the Christmas tree by the time I wake up on Christmas morning, and we all come out of this happy.
Oh, and I’ll be checking up on you every so often during the month. Maybe, about once a week? Just making sure you’re working your fat ass of you off to get my presents.
Now, I’ll be needing a ride to your place. I don’t have enough resources on hand at the moment to get there myself. I’m expecting a certain sleigh by my window every Wednesday or Friday, depending on how busy I am. I may or may not bring my friend Sam, so make sure there’s enough room for both of us (but since you use that sleigh there should be enough room for five of us).
Now, when I go to your place I expect nothing but the best. If I get any back sass form one of those little worms you call elves, it’s their funeral. Now, I don’t want you to warn them about this, got it? If they have a death wish, then let them be.
I will also be bringing my advisor, the Grim Reaper, with me. He’s training me in the ways of death and he’s somewhat like a best friend. If there are any problems, you shall consult with him, but I will give you this: he’s known to have a bad temper, so don’t get him angry. I’m not responsible for any of the blood he may shed or any of the souls he may reap.
Now, as for Sam. I’m not quite sure what she may or may not do, but I’m not responsible for that either. Most likely, she’s just going to be watching from the sidelines. She’s new to this, and she’s not trained enough to be able to handle these little ‘trips’ I take. Oh, and if she has any problems with her gifts and I find out, you should learn to sleep with one eye open.
Now, I don’t want to have to attack the North Pole, but if things don’t go my way, I’ll have no choice. Going by my orders is your only way to avoid going into a war with my army. If you chose not to go by the orders I give you, my army will attack, and your precious little North Pole will be destroyed. Now, if you do go by these orders, you and your little munchkins will remain safe.
I hope things will go well this year. If not, I’ll give you all this time to prepare for war. And you better pray 24/7 that I’ll have mercy on your souls…
Merry Christmas.
Your little angel,
Nikky
P.S. By the way, if you’re wondering where Mrs. Claus is, I’ve got her tied up in my closet. If I don’t get my way, she’s my penguin army’s new treat. (You and I both know how much those penguins like treats).